"I had a wonderful dream where I sneezed without covering my mouth and nose, and gave everyone germs!" The Slippery Slope - Lucafont

"You'll soon find out that much of this job involves a lot of waiting around, so I usually keep something to pass the time, like a deck of cards or a large rock" The Slippery Slope - Lucafont

"And a refrigerator may hold a basket of strawberries, which would be important if a maniac said to you, "If you don't give me a basket of strawberries right now, I'm going to poke you with this large stick." But when the two elder Baudelaires and Quigley Quagmire opened the refrigerator, they found nothing that would help someone who was wounded, dying of thirst, or being thratened by a strawberry-crazed, stick-carrying maniac."

"Taking one's chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck."

"I'am scared," Violet said.
"I'am frightened," Klaus said.
"Sheer terror," Sunny said...

"I'm jealous of your hooks. Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands!" The Slippery Slope - Kevin

"I'm beginning to think that washing my face was a complete waste of time!" The Slippery Slope - Olaf

"If you ever find yourself reading a book entitled the bible you will find yourself reading the story of Adam and Eve whose daring lives of impulsive passion led them to put on clothing for the first time to escape from the snake infested garden in which they were living."

"The Baudelaire arsonists and murderers are escaping on a gurney! Capture them at once! Also, the fire is spreading throughout the hospital, you might want to evacuate."

"It's not cool to accuse me of lying." The Vile Village - Detective Dupin

"So you can at once see why assuming is not a good thing to do, especially in the morning."

"The world is a harum scarum place."

"Bidding is too much like arguing for me to enjoy it". The Erstaz Elevator - Jerome

"I am loving of these children, please." The Erstaz Elevator - Count Olaf

"Just because you're wearing an ugly wig doesn't mean you can insult me!"

"I've made enough money today." Esmé cackled.
"I never thought I'd hear her say that." said Jerome. The Erstaz Elevator

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaraunt, filled with odd waiters who bring you items you never asked for and don't always like"

"The sad truth is that the truth is sad."

"The Baudelaires saying if we're lucky was about as appropriate as them saying, if we're stalks of celery."

"This toast feels raw. Is it safe to eat raw toast?" Colette

"Are you deaf as well as cakesniffy?" Carmelita Spats

"No, no, no, that won't work! Uncle Monty can't drive, he's dead!" The Reptile Room - Mr. Poe

"It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is the one who is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right. Right?" The Reptile Room

"If only Uncle Monty knew what we know, and Stephano knew that he knew what we know. But Uncle Monty doesn't know what we know, and Stephano knows he doesn't know what we know." "I know." "I know you know. But what we don't know is what Count Olaf - I mean Stephano - is really up to." The Reptile Room - Violet and Klaus

"We all know of course, that we should never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever fiddle around in any way with electrical equipment. NEVER. There are two reasons for this. One is that you might get electrocuted which is deadly not to mention extremely umpleasant. The second is that you are not Violet Baudelaire, one of the few people who knows how to hande such things."

"I hope that this package reaches you safely, and that you are safe when it reaches you, and that I will be safe in making sure this package will reach you in safety, in a safe manner, and in a safe." The Unauthorized Autobiography - Jacques

"Oh my goodness, oh my lord! Call the police, call the fire department, call a scientist, call my wife! This is terrible! This is awful! This is ghastly, this is fantazmagoragall, this is- this is nothing to worry about." The Reptile Room - Mr. Poe

"Violet scratched at a hive that was the exact shape of Minnesota" The Wide Window - Violet

"I'm afraid of the doorknob, it may shatter into 100 pieces and one of them may hit my eye." The Wide Window - Aunt Josephine

"The Baudelaires needed something much more helpful than raisins"

"I will have to take the body for some further tests, but my autopsy shows that the doctor died of snackbite. Is there any coffee left for me?" "Of course," Stephano answered, and pourded him a cup. "How can you be sure?" Violet asked the doctor. "What do you mean?" Dr. Lucafont said quizzically. "I can be sure there's coffee left because I can see it right here." The Reptile Room

"The moral of Snow White is never eat apples."

"Goodness!" He cried. "Golly! Good God! Blessed Allah! Zues and Hera! Mary and Joseph! Nathaniel Hawthorne! Don't touch her! Grab her! Move closer! Run away! Don't move! Kill the snake! Leave it alone! Give it some food! Don't let it bite her! Lure the snake away! Here snakey! Here, snakey snakey!"... "It's bitten her!" he cried. "It bit her! It bited her! Calm down! Get moving! Call an ambulance! Call the police! Call a scientist! Call my wife! This is terrible! This is awful! This is ghastly! This is phantasmagorical! This is-" The Reptile Room - Mr. Poe

"My leg! It's grown back! It's a medical miracle!" The Wide Window - Count Olaf

"Not only am I very intelligent, but I'm also very smart."

"I cannot fully explain this reason for two reasons. The first reason I cannot explain this reason that I made a solemn vow I would never tell anyone this reason. And the sencond reason I cannot explain this reason is that if you learned of this reason--or even the the two reasons I cannot explain this reason--that would be the reason that you would that you would find yourself in danger. Even though I cannot explain this reason for the two reasons I explained, I will try to give you a reasonable explanation, so I will tell you everything I can." The Unauthorized Autobuigraphy - Jacques

"It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself."

"Hey boss," Hugo called from the next tent. "Colette won't share the dental floss." "There's no reason to use dental floss," Count Olaf said, "unless you're trying to strangle someone with a very weak neck."

"Kevin, would you do me a favor?" the hook-handed man asked, as Sunny struggled to open the jug of juice. "Will you help me comb my hair? These hooks can make it difficult sometimes."
"I'm jealous of your hooks," Kevin replied. "Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands."
"Don't be ridiculous," one of the white-faced women replied. "Having a white face is worse than both of your situations."
"But you have a white face because you put makeup on," Colette said, as Sunny climbed back out of the trunk and knelt down in the snow. "You're putting powder on your face right now."

"I love cigarettes," she explained to the man with a beard but no hair, "but I prefer to smoke them with a long holder because I don't like the smell or taste and because they're very bad for you." The Slippery Slope - Esme

"There is nothing wrong with salmon of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, and liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you're not going to enjoy your meal."

"I'll be able to afford the penthouse apartment of every building that's not on fire!"

"Whenever I hear the clink of swords clashing I am reminded of a swordfight I had with a television repairman not long ago."

"I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies" The Penultimate Peril - Page 313

"But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular wednesday, and Klaus was born approximatley two years after that, and even Sunny who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read to early in life." The Penultimate Peril